As the years fly by, we encounter so many people and experience a variety of highs and lows. Some days seem to stick out more as they hold such weight in our lives; your wedding, birth of a child, holiday celebrations, death of a friend. And then there are days that were indented to be typical, but end up engraved on your heart.
One of those days.
On a sunny July day, my then four-year-old son and I were running errands before going to the local pool. I loved my days off with him! He was so easy to please, and seemed to enjoy anything we did together. On our last stop at the bank, the teller handed him a sucker, and she asked if he wanted to take one for his brother or sister. My heart immediately sank, and innocently, he replied, “I don’t have one.” She then looked at me, with a wink asked, “He doesn’t have any siblings? Mom, what are you waiting for? Get on that!” And there it was. The moment that changed this ordinary day into one I can’t seem to forget. I should have been used to these questions, but I wasn’t. In fact, it only got harder. As I watched the weeks turn into months which inevitably turned into years, the questions and comments reminded me that I may never get my second child.
Going at it alone.
It was such a lonely journey. I didn’t even want to talk to my husband about it. I was embarrassed, angry, sad, and confused! I’ve been pregnant before with no issues, so why is this time so difficult? I was also overcome with guilt. God had blessed me with a healthy son; so many couples go through life without ever being given that opportunity. Why can’t I just be satisfied and grateful? That was a dark place for my thoughts to go, and did not grant my heart any peace.
Finding my person.
During this time, I decided to go back to college; keeping busy was often a good distraction. During my time there, I met some really great friends. We studied together, talked about our goals, spouses and of course our children. There was one friend in particular that I remember spilling my guts to. I told her all about how I longed for another child, and how I felt so alone. She was amazing. She made me feel normal again. She was my person; placed in my life for a reason, and I am certain I have never thanked her enough for her presence in my life.
I often took my pregnancy tests when I was alone. I can guarantee my husband has no idea how much we spent on those little pee sticks. On a Friday night, my husband went to pick up Chinese food and I decided take one while he was gone. I waited the two long minutes, and cautiously peeked at the little results window, certain it would be another “not pregnant” weekend. But it wasn’t. It read, “pregnant.” I couldn’t believe it, so I took another one, and it again read, “pregnant.” In that moment, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. The emotions that raced through me in that five minutes I waited to tell my husband were indescribable.
Nearly five years ago, our healthy, beautiful daughter came screaming into this world, and filled that empty seat at our table. The wait for her arrival taught me lessons of patience, trust and love. God is good…all of the time.