My first child is due to arrive any day now and I’m realizing that my greatest fear about motherhood is also my highest hope. They are one and the same thing. Part of me wonders if it’s bad that it has nothing to do with my child. It has to do with me. Here it is…
I’m terribly afraid and also incredibly hopeful that I won’t care about the same things I care about now.
That the woman in this picture, who wasn’t even thinking about a baby but was only a couple months away from seeing that positive pregnancy test, is going to change in a way I won’t recognize.
Because I like who I am and I’ve worked hard in recent years to be able to say that.
I like that I love my work. I’m a passionate person who has always been emotionally attached to my career. It’s a huge part of my identity. In my humble opinion, I’m good at what I do. Admittedly, I have a bit of a workaholic streak in me which has been well balanced in recent years by yoga, both on and off the mat. Balance is good but I still want to be who I am.
Will motherhood cause me to lose my “edge”? I hope not.
On the other side of the coin, I welcome the idea of having a new little human to occupy the places in my mind that I currently rent out to people who don’t deserve my head space. I hate that I let things bother me even when I know they shouldn’t. Personal growth and maturity have done a lot to help me in this area but I’ve always been a sensitive person. Criticisms, even from absolute fools, tend to really bother me. They just do.
Will motherhood help me to put all of the BS into perspective? I would like that.
I realize it’s not realistic to expect that after having my son the best parts of me will be perfectly preserved while the parts I don’t like get buffered away. (That’s a lot of pressure for a little baby!) I know that life as I know it is about to change and I know that includes me.
The other day someone said to me “All your priorities are about to change!” and my response was, “I’m cool with that.” While I truly do welcome this, I just hope that deep down inside, maybe after I survive the first few months, I will I still feel like “me”.
Editor’s Note: Since writing this post, Stephanie and her husband welcomed their son into the world. They are doing well and we can’t wait to read more of Stephanie’s journey into motherhood!