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Christmas After a Miscarriage

 

 

“Do you ever feel sad about what happened?” she asked.  As if, after this happens it just magically disappears or your feelings just go away one day.  Some days you wished it would, while other days you feel foolish for feeling sad when you have a friend who has been struggling for the past 3 years trying to get pregnant.  You feel stuck in between feeling sad and feeling like you shouldn’t feel sad at all.  It’s complicated and you think no one understands how you feel.  But finally, you were given the green light to talk about what happened and how you feel.  What a relief.

In October you were excited to come up with a clever way to announce your new addition with a holiday theme.  Now you find yourself reluctantly “liking” Facebook posts of friends announcing their new additions who are going to be arriving in May or June.  Its a tough pill to swallow.  You so wished it was your announcement this Christmas season.  

You stay up late at night wondering why this happened to you.  Crying in the darkness, alone, trying to make sense of it all, as the rest of your family is sound asleep.  This feeling overwhelms you and you cry yourself to sleep. What you wanted so bad, was not the right time. And so you move on the best way you can. You wake up and go about your normal routine and pray someone asks you how you’re doing and try to cover up your sad eyes with concealer.

You go through the days, weeks and nights wondering “what if”.  Wishing everyone knew about your miscarriage and wishing no one at all knew about it. When that person comes up to you and says “What beautiful children you have! You better hurry up if you’re going to have another. You’re not getting any younger.”  You want to scream from the rooftops that you tried and it ended with a miscarriage.  You cringe when someone asks “Are you going to try for a girl?”  In those moments though, you just smile and say under your breath “Yeah, maybe someday”.  

Going through a miscarriage clearly feels taboo to others. No one, not even your mom knows what to say or ask.  You can’t blame them, because before this happened, you didn’t know what to say either.  Until you have been through it I guess you don’t know.  So, you have surgery because your body doesn’t realize you have a blighted ovum and the doctor calls it a “Missed Miscarriage”.  Having two regular pregnancies, you had no idea that this actually happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies, but that women just don’t talk about it.   

Awesome.  You’re so glad to be part of this secret society that no one wants to be a part of. 

Part of you wants to talk about what happened and how you feel with anyone who will listen. The other part of you wants to keep it to yourself, tucked in tight where no one can see it.  And so, you go on with your life as if it was just a blip.  Just a mistake. 

It’s sneaky though.  The feelings of loss pop up in the strangest places and you find yourself crying at work while talking with your boss about a project.  Somehow the the subject turns into talking about a song you heard in church, It Is Well.   You’ve heard this song before, but now it has a new meaning for you. Going through your days & weeks, you feel a sense of peace and that all is well, but you are still sad.

As this holiday season approaches, be aware that some mothers & wives are struggling. Struggling with infertility or struggling with a loss.  Chose your words wisely.  This is a time that not even the brightest Christmas tree or best gift can make them feel whole.  This season, maybe start with, “I’ve been thinking about you.  How are you really doing?”  and then just sit back and listen.  This may just be the Christmas present they are looking for this year.

2 Responses to Christmas After a Miscarriage

  1. Jan December 13, 2017 at 3:30 pm #

    This was really well put and helpful. Being a therapist and mom of two adult daughters, I have watched as family, clients, and friends have experienced miscarriages or early pre-term births. It wasn’t until my daughter experienced miscarriage this past summer that I really understood the depth of emotion(s) which occur with the loss. Thank you for having this online place people can feel validated and understood.

  2. Rachel January 4, 2018 at 11:31 am #

    Thank you, thank you for writing this beautiful, heartfelt blog post. I had a miscarriage at the end of September, and while often unspoken, the pain of this loss is incredibly real. I read your post the week before Christmas, and it hit home. You expressed thoughts and feelings that I didn’t even realize I had, yet perfectly matched how I was feeling. It was almost as if I had written the article to myself. Thank you for bringing comfort to those of us who are part of this secret club that we wish never existed.

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